I’ll preface this with full disclosure. I did not act with kindness and grace. I was a miserable cow with the weight of this situation hovering over us.
My test from God was to let him work and remain still, but I did not extend much kindness as a wife, to the person who was equally pressured in this situation. For that I am sorry.
When Mike left for work yesterday I knew the first thing on his agenda was to call our attorney and deliver our decision . By the time it had occurred to me that he had most likely done this I felt a small wave of peace. I felt like there was some room to breathe and begin to move forward. Mike had come home briefly to deal with a delivery at our house next door and we barely exchanged words as I left to take the twins for a walk. When I got back from our walk he had already gone back to work and I would not hear from him again until much later in the afternoon.
What I did not know was that he had left a message for the attorney to call him back. In that time several hours passed and Mike found himself in conversations with his business partner, our adoption consultant, and at the gym where he tuned in to worship music.
In that time and in those conversations God did something. God spoke a 180 to his heart and literally moved him to tears something I never expected to happen. It was hours before he connected with the attorney because their attention was on another baby that had been born that morning. He was next on the list to be responded to and when that time came at 3pm, he just simply told them “we are in.” And P.S. “do not contact us again after this.”
All this is not because we do not think GOD would bring forth a loving and deserving and perfect family. This is not because I was begging or crying for another baby. Really. This is because the heart beat for adoption and the heart for our family is that we WILL be the hands and the feet. Even when we weren’t on the same page. Even when God was moving us at difference places and times and what seemed like different directions.
Trust me. We gave away ALL our baby stuff in the last month. This was not OUR plan. Our families are shocked, torn, confused, and probably all going to move far away from our crazy. There are always uncertainty with adoption and there is always risk. But God…
It was a rough week and a half but an especially rough weekend. Rachel and I were not on the same page and things were not getting any better. I met with my Pastor on Friday and prior to the meeting, Rachel had let me know (again) her feelings however, she felt she was being called to let me lead our family in this decision, as the bible instructs. For the record, I was never 100% against moving forward with this adoption, contrary to what Rachel believed. As someone who is wired to be analytical and business like with all decisions, it can take longer for God to speak to me. By Monday morning, our deadline was up. To me, if there was any shadow of a doubt, the answer had to be NO. I called our attorney around 10 and no one was available so I left a message. I called two hours later, eager to put this behind me so my wife would no longer have this hanging over her head and the attorney had gone to lunch. WTF. Backtrack a few hours, God had been lining up people for me to talk to. I spoke to my (Rachel’s) uncle Mark, my pastor and even put a call in to our adoption consultant. Everyone understood my position and supported my decision but I couldn’t stop reaching out to people, as if I was trying to find the one person to sway me. I spoke to my business partner who shared a story from a decade ago where he was about to make the difficult decision to close the company by day’s end and his sister convinced him to wait until the last possible second in case God spoke to him. He ended up getting a sign and kept the business open, which happened to be my first job out of college. At this point, I’m lost so I throw on my headphones and walk down the hall to LA Fitness and decide to work out. I throw on Lecrae, my favorite Christian Rapper. I have the music on real loud and his song is talking about regrets and all of a sudden, I started wondering how I could face Quinn and Coss later in life when they ask if they have any other siblings and perhaps they asked why we didn’t help. The tears started falling, like I was leaking (luckily I was sweating so I don’t think too many people noticed). I had to stop working out and sat in the sauna, continuing to listen to my worship music (yes, it can be in the form of gospel rap) and I was brought to my knees. At that moment, I made my decision to lead this family to another adoption. I informed the attorney and then called Rachel. It wasn’t much of a call because I was pretty much crying the entire time. Had our attorney answer my 10am or 12pm call, we would continue our journey as a family of six. Because God’s timing is always perfect and he showed up at the right moment, we will now become 7 sometime in early 2017.