Pictured directly above is the open house dress from Tuesday, that she again wore today, Thursday.
Pre-k. I love her so and she makes me proud.
This morning was the second day of school. For those who might ask, I am not currently homeschooling. I definitely love the idea of homeschool, I am passionate about parenting and education, however when I attempted to start the process it was not ideal. We were moving, London was enrolled part time in school, and since then we have taken on more and more to add to our plate. London has had nothing short of a wonderful experience thus far in school and with teachers. She has always thrived in the classroom environment and surrounded by other children. She was born to shine. With her late birthday, she is the oldest in her class and thus not able to enter traditional kindergarten this year. We made the decision to continue with her pre school education, five days a week, and for the first time she is attending the full day. We both are taking some time to adjust to the new schedule and establish this routine.
The first morning was full of energy and excitement and a well executed plan. Today, on the second morning, I failed. I am the first to admit when I mess up and all too often I am a bit harsh on myself. All it took was about 5 minutes of the morning to mess me up for the rest of the day and this blog post is a direct result of that.
London has a strong personality. She knows what she likes and she is difficult to reason with on some topics. When it comes to her apparel, she is extremely selective in color, material, pattern, and pretty much the all around ensemble. We have spent hundreds of dollars on clothes, even items she has helped to pick out, hair accessories, shoes, you name it. What is all boils down to is usually a stack of silky pajamas and 4 dresses that she will agree to wear most days. This morning, I had asked her get dressed, and the same few dresses came downstairs with her. Along with a pair of light up Sketchers that I absolutely despise. I tried to re-route her to another option that included a dress with leggings, I pleaded with her not to the wear the same dress she had just worn 2 days prior at open house, I gave her every reason to change. I was mean, my words were harsh, and I was careless with her feelings. I told her that people might think she was dirty for wearing the same clothes. I told her that people might think we were poor. I told her that I thought the shoes she picked out were ugly. I actually said all those things to my daughter. How disgusting, to battle on such a superficial topic such as apparel. She was in tears, I was pushing her to go out of the house and out on her own in something she would not be comfortable in. I was concerned her appearance would be a reflection of myself, of my taste, of my preference for her.
I kissed her and told her I loved her at drop off, and got back in my car, I hated myself. I felt disgusted and that I had let her down. Why did I let what should have been NOTHING erupt into something that shattered my heart and let down my daughter? Why would I let my adult self get so out of control and use harsh language. Why would I speak so negatively to my precious four year old? No, she is not innocent all the time but at the end of the day, she is a delicate child. I wanted to run back in to the school and grab her, and beg for her to forgive me.
I am so grateful for GRACE. For a God that forgives and shows mercy on myself when I continue to do things that are not in his favor. Not intentional, just human nature. I’m encouraged that I can be renewed and each hour of each day can be started new. There is nothing more frustrating to me than the idea of letting down my family. I hope that with a little practice, planning, and a whole lot of patience, I will be able to avoid getting caught up in a silly morning battle that is not productive or encouraging. For now I am anxiously awaiting the hour to go pick her up and hug her and love her for all her moods and everything she teaches me.