Category: Life Today

But God…

I’ll preface this with full disclosure. I did not act with kindness and grace. I was a miserable cow with the weight of this situation hovering over us.

My test from God was to let him work and remain still, but I did not extend much kindness as a wife, to the person who was equally pressured in this situation. For that I am sorry.

When Mike left for work yesterday I knew the first thing on his agenda was to call our attorney and deliver our decision .  By the time it had occurred to me that he had most likely done this I felt a small wave of peace.  I felt like there was some room to breathe and begin to move forward.  Mike had come home briefly to deal with a delivery at our house next door and we barely exchanged words as I left to take the twins for a walk.  When I got back from our walk he had already gone back to work and I would not hear from him again until much later in the afternoon.

What I did not know was that he had left a message for the attorney to call him back.  In that time several hours passed and Mike found himself in conversations with his business partner, our adoption consultant, and at the gym  where he tuned in to worship music.

In that time and in those conversations God did something.  God spoke a 180 to his heart and literally moved him to tears something I never expected to happen.  It was hours before he connected with the attorney because their attention was on another baby that had been born that morning.  He was next on the list to be responded to and when that time came at 3pm, he just simply told them “we are in.” And P.S. “do not contact us again after this.”

All this is not because we do not think GOD would bring forth a loving and deserving and perfect family. This is not because I was begging or crying for another baby. Really. This is because the heart beat for adoption and the heart for our family is that we WILL be the hands and the feet. Even when we weren’t on the same page. Even when God was moving us at difference places and times and what seemed like different directions. 

Trust me. We gave away ALL our baby stuff in the last month. This was not OUR plan. Our families are shocked, torn, confused, and probably all going to move far away from our crazy. There are always uncertainty with adoption and there is always  risk. But God…

 

From Mike:

It was a rough week and a half but an especially rough weekend. Rachel and I were not on the same page and things were not getting any better. I met with my Pastor on Friday and prior to the meeting, Rachel had let me know (again) her feelings however, she felt she was being called to let me lead our family in this decision, as the bible instructs. For the record, I was never 100% against moving forward with this adoption, contrary to what Rachel believed. As someone who is wired to be analytical and business like with all decisions, it can take longer for God to speak to me. By Monday morning, our deadline was up. To me, if there was any shadow of a doubt, the answer had to be NO. I called our attorney around 10 and no one was available so I left a message. I called two hours later, eager to put this behind me so my wife would no longer have this hanging over her head and the attorney had gone to lunch. WTF. Backtrack a few hours, God had been lining up people for me to talk to. I spoke to my (Rachel’s) uncle Mark, my pastor and even put a call in to our adoption consultant. Everyone understood my position and supported my decision but I couldn’t stop reaching out to people, as if I was trying to find the one person to sway me. I spoke to my business partner who shared a story from a decade ago where he was about to make the difficult decision to close the company by day’s end and his sister convinced him to wait until the last possible second in case God spoke to him. He ended up getting a sign and kept the business open, which happened to be my first job out of college. At this point, I’m lost so I throw on my headphones and walk down the hall to LA Fitness and decide to work out. I throw on Lecrae, my favorite Christian Rapper. I have the music on real loud and his song is talking about regrets and all of a sudden, I started wondering how I could face Quinn and Coss later in life when they ask if they have any other siblings and perhaps they asked why we didn’t help. The tears started falling, like I was leaking (luckily I was sweating so I don’t think too many people noticed). I had to stop working out and sat in the sauna, continuing to listen to my worship music (yes, it can be in the form of gospel rap) and I was brought to my knees. At that moment, I made my decision to lead this family to another adoption. I informed the attorney and then called Rachel. It wasn’t much of a call because I was pretty much crying the entire time. Had our attorney answer my 10am or 12pm call, we would continue our journey as a family of six. Because God’s timing is always perfect and he showed up at the right moment, we will now become 7 sometime in early 2017.

 

 

 

 

 

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Eve.

Sitting in bed, in the dark with tears streaming, it is the Eve of delivering our decision. To be completely honest I’m angry that this is how I’m feeling today, knowing that this decision was made more than several days ago. I’m angry that the feelings and thoughts and HOPE I was strung along on for two weeks, are going to be something I have to face and forgive before I can even process the sadness. Because today I am mad. I mad that God was clearly showing me one thing and that one thing was not seen by nearly anyone else. I’m broken for the NO.

There is  no light for me today. There was no rising with the dawn.  Saying no to something just to say yes to something else hurts like tiny knives.

When our birth mom called yesterday I could hear the pain she is in I could feel  her deamons  and I could not speak the words to tell her our story was dividing. She needed me then and she’s needed me before. I can’t fix her but  allowing me to be in her life…blesses me.

I don’t know how the rest of this story will go but I know today that I am not the same person that I was as I sat in the parking lot of the store where I bought the first outfit the twins would wear home and took the phone call that another baby was going to be born to the same mom.

To me. I have lost a baby. I’m missing something I didn’t know was mine because God isn’t flying His YES blimp around everyone else who needed to see it. My faith is stronger and this must be my test now. It doesn’t feel good. I have never felt tested to this degree.

This and everything else I have ever spoken about adoption is real.  I don’t take back anything that has led me to where I am but I certainly don’t know what this leaves me for the future. I have so many questions. I have so much hurt for me, my family, my birthmom.

To this baby. You are loved and you are wanted and you are pure joy. For someone else you will be everything. God made you special and he made you perfect and whole.

Now,  I have to keep moving….somehow…but not today.

To the hundreds of friends who reached out to me. Thank you.

Thank you for standing beside me, hoping to carry some of the load.

Thank you for the texts when you saw little rainbows and thought of me.

Thank you for the messages and words when you didn’t have to say anything.

Thank you for believing in what I saw and not judging my feelings.

 

 

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Untitled.

I’ve never written a blog and not given it a title. More often than not, the title appears for me first and I have a direction and objective with the blog. Today is not the case.

One thing I knew about going into adoption was, in spite of what I immersed myself and dug to find and understand, there was no way to feel how all the situations and scenarios could make you feel. Through all of it I knew it was going to be messy. I knew there would be beauty in that mess. I have walked alongside SO many friends who have been in the mess. Been in the dark. Waiting and wondering and hoping and feeling like quitting when something failed. I know the scenarios well but they were never as real to me even when I tried to believe I could understand them. I know very well and saw SO MUCH hurt. It was never my pain.

Right now I’m sitting in the darkest spot. I thought losing Kensington was dark but even in those moments I felt God showing me HOPE and comfort knowing that was not the end for us. I knew that was not how our story would end. The darkest place from me comes from a place of total hopelessness. Like I’m in a war with the actual Devil. I was prepared for this one day… but now that I’m here none of my preparedness was actually that. If you could take all the FEELS and put them in a blender …then remove the lid. THAT is how I’m feeling.

My friend Shauna, shared her heart in THIS BLOG post today. It resonated and her words were bigger than life for me. She said what I can not say right now. A quote aside from her very word…

In the words of John Piper;

“Faith, by its very nature, produces action. It is intrinsic. Each of us are wired to feel and act in accordance to what we believe to be true. We cannot help it.”

This is why I act so often. This is why I’ve always been an advocate and a doer. I just can’t rest knowing one day I’m going to be questioned for every single action or moment of stillness. That haunts me.

So here is what is happening right now. There is a part of this story that is not mine to tell but right now there is a baby who was created in His perfect image and for a purpose. This baby is going to be born to the birthmother of our twins. We have been given the information to make a decision about bringing this baby home to our family. If I must be completely blunt, Mike and I do not have equal feelings and thoughts on this situation. So, as you can imagine I’m struggling with my WHY and what is GOD showing me here. What action am I being called to take? How can I be the hands and feet here? Where does my obedience lie? With God. With my husband. With my family now.

No matter what measure we take, this is likely to change the dynamic of our adoption story and the relationship I am fighting to nurture with our birthmom. My heart is broken for her. I want her to know this shaking me to the core. This is keeping me awake. This is questioning my entire purpose on earth. Really. And it’s not by mistake. God was going to do this to me eventually and in some way. So here it is. Right now.

And the kicker. There is a deadline. Set by the attorney. We need to give them our answer and move forward…or not… in 72 hours. At which point we will either start our adoption process over completely OR a new family will be shown this situation and the process to select a family for this baby will begin. And after Monday, my life still has to go on.

Friends… I’m hopeful that you know I stand firm that adoption is love. Without a single regret. Total and complete love and surpasses all trials. My hope is in what rises from the ashes even when I can’t see. I believe in my open adoption. I believe that even in a broken system and circumstance … that is how the LIGHT can shine in. And to all my friends who let me share this with them, thank you for being my village and showing me grace. If you’ve got an extra prayer tonight, pencil me in.

 

 

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