Sitting in bed, in the dark with tears streaming, it is the Eve of delivering our decision. To be completely honest I’m angry that this is how I’m feeling today, knowing that this decision was made more than several days ago. I’m angry that the feelings and thoughts and HOPE I was strung along on for two weeks, are going to be something I have to face and forgive before I can even process the sadness. Because today I am mad. I mad that God was clearly showing me one thing and that one thing was not seen by nearly anyone else. I’m broken for the NO.
There is no light for me today. There was no rising with the dawn. Saying no to something just to say yes to something else hurts like tiny knives.
When our birth mom called yesterday I could hear the pain she is in I could feel her deamons and I could not speak the words to tell her our story was dividing. She needed me then and she’s needed me before. I can’t fix her but allowing me to be in her life…blesses me.
I don’t know how the rest of this story will go but I know today that I am not the same person that I was as I sat in the parking lot of the store where I bought the first outfit the twins would wear home and took the phone call that another baby was going to be born to the same mom.
To me. I have lost a baby. I’m missing something I didn’t know was mine because God isn’t flying His YES blimp around everyone else who needed to see it. My faith is stronger and this must be my test now. It doesn’t feel good. I have never felt tested to this degree.
This and everything else I have ever spoken about adoption is real. I don’t take back anything that has led me to where I am but I certainly don’t know what this leaves me for the future. I have so many questions. I have so much hurt for me, my family, my birthmom.
To this baby. You are loved and you are wanted and you are pure joy. For someone else you will be everything. God made you special and he made you perfect and whole.
Now, I have to keep moving….somehow…but not today.
To the hundreds of friends who reached out to me. Thank you.
Thank you for standing beside me, hoping to carry some of the load.
Thank you for the texts when you saw little rainbows and thought of me.
Thank you for the messages and words when you didn’t have to say anything.
Thank you for believing in what I saw and not judging my feelings.