I’ve never written a blog and not given it a title. More often than not, the title appears for me first and I have a direction and objective with the blog. Today is not the case.
One thing I knew about going into adoption was, in spite of what I immersed myself and dug to find and understand, there was no way to feel how all the situations and scenarios could make you feel. Through all of it I knew it was going to be messy. I knew there would be beauty in that mess. I have walked alongside SO many friends who have been in the mess. Been in the dark. Waiting and wondering and hoping and feeling like quitting when something failed. I know the scenarios well but they were never as real to me even when I tried to believe I could understand them. I know very well and saw SO MUCH hurt. It was never my pain.
Right now I’m sitting in the darkest spot. I thought losing Kensington was dark but even in those moments I felt God showing me HOPE and comfort knowing that was not the end for us. I knew that was not how our story would end. The darkest place from me comes from a place of total hopelessness. Like I’m in a war with the actual Devil. I was prepared for this one day… but now that I’m here none of my preparedness was actually that. If you could take all the FEELS and put them in a blender …then remove the lid. THAT is how I’m feeling.
My friend Shauna, shared her heart in THIS BLOG post today. It resonated and her words were bigger than life for me. She said what I can not say right now. A quote aside from her very word…
In the words of John Piper;
“Faith, by its very nature, produces action. It is intrinsic. Each of us are wired to feel and act in accordance to what we believe to be true. We cannot help it.”
This is why I act so often. This is why I’ve always been an advocate and a doer. I just can’t rest knowing one day I’m going to be questioned for every single action or moment of stillness. That haunts me.
So here is what is happening right now. There is a part of this story that is not mine to tell but right now there is a baby who was created in His perfect image and for a purpose. This baby is going to be born to the birthmother of our twins. We have been given the information to make a decision about bringing this baby home to our family. If I must be completely blunt, Mike and I do not have equal feelings and thoughts on this situation. So, as you can imagine I’m struggling with my WHY and what is GOD showing me here. What action am I being called to take? How can I be the hands and feet here? Where does my obedience lie? With God. With my husband. With my family now.
No matter what measure we take, this is likely to change the dynamic of our adoption story and the relationship I am fighting to nurture with our birthmom. My heart is broken for her. I want her to know this shaking me to the core. This is keeping me awake. This is questioning my entire purpose on earth. Really. And it’s not by mistake. God was going to do this to me eventually and in some way. So here it is. Right now.
And the kicker. There is a deadline. Set by the attorney. We need to give them our answer and move forward…or not… in 72 hours. At which point we will either start our adoption process over completely OR a new family will be shown this situation and the process to select a family for this baby will begin. And after Monday, my life still has to go on.
Friends… I’m hopeful that you know I stand firm that adoption is love. Without a single regret. Total and complete love and surpasses all trials. My hope is in what rises from the ashes even when I can’t see. I believe in my open adoption. I believe that even in a broken system and circumstance … that is how the LIGHT can shine in. And to all my friends who let me share this with them, thank you for being my village and showing me grace. If you’ve got an extra prayer tonight, pencil me in.