The good news is that I know it can be fixed. It will be fixed. But first, God needs me to be broken. He needs me feeling weak, aching, and solely relying on his truth. I have read countless adoption stories. Ugly and scary stories. Rainbows and butterfly stories. I thought I was prepared and that in all honesty I would land among the rainbows. Why wouldn’t we? We have two gorgeous and healthy children, we have the support of our family, and we have financial stability. We enlisted an amazing consultant friend to help facilitate our adoption and before we knew it, there were situations flooding my inbox.
I prayed. “TWINS” kept ringing in my head. It is still there. Something in my head, something in my heart, I can’t even recall the moment I first felt that but I just can not shake it. Now we’ve seen twins. Once, twice, three times, and still we never moved. Along came what we pictured as a safe and timely situation, to which we put our “YES” on the table, and heard a “YES” in reply. A match. But in that same breath, I questioned. What about the twins? The emails continued and the calls came in, and there are more twins.
I do not know what God is planning for us. I can only imagine he needs to continue his work on me by breaking me further. I have to trust the only thing I know but right now I feel like I know so little. I feel like the weight of each story, the burden of every baby, is on my brain and in my heart. Just sitting here writing this I want to shout out because I absolutely have no clue what I am doing and if the decisions we are making are HIS. I constantly tell myself I can handle more and more and I always feel like not matter how full my plate looks, there is room in my heart for the work I was put on this planets to do. I’m just getting started. There are times when I feel like I have forever to accomplish something but then in a moment that changes and I have just minutes to move on something that could be ours forever. I’m not done. I’ve already brought it up to Mike that we aren’t done. This will not be the end. I know that, when God thinks I’ve had enough or I’ve done all he has asked of me, I will know. I’m far from that.
I’m praying tonight for all the babies, their perfect forever families, and that God knows my heart is only to please Him.